Another void I tried to fill.
It makes as little sense as anything I could have ever imagined.
It starts to fill me up like water wasted on a hot night.
Singed on burning concrete.
The kind of concrete that hasn’t been walked in ages.
His lips are a desire better left unfulfilled.
And somewhere along the lines, it was.
The distance isn’t that far.
And if it were, he doesn’t think too much about it long enough to feel.
He lets the idea sit on his fingertips.
And let’s it slowly circle its way around his wrist until it cuts too close to his veins.
It begins to pulse within him.
It’s a quaking sensation that doesn’t belong next to his heart.
There is no emotion there, and he doesn’t feel a thing.
But he wants it.
Feverishly he pants in the direction of what he anticipates will be the last time that he lets it get the best of him.
He feels like there’s no hope to say no. There’s nothing left in him that wants to twist the urge that is taking over him. And before he can tell what’s going on. He’s calling her.
She answers obediently.
As he knew she would.
She tells him exactly what he wants to hear.
The invitation that he’s been wanting to receive.
It’s all he needs to get going.
Behind the wheel he is thumbing nervously.
Along with his racing heartbeat he still has time to turn around.
But he doesn’t.
He drives through the night.
Having fabricated a lie to get him out of the door, keys in hand, behind the wheel of his shiny black toy.
But he isn’t racing against the night to see his girlfriend.
Not as he should. He is spinning his web to see another.
A girl who he had long since laid to rest in his phone book.
He knows what he is doing is wrong. Guilt starts to trip him, but he holds steadily to the steering wheel of his black toy.
To her door. Text received. He’s outside. She opens the door with barely anything on. He’s breathing easily. Aching to get this started and over with.
She knows the deal.
Give him what he wants.
And he will go away.
An excruciating fuck that sends both of their heads wheeling.
The kind of sex you only read about in slutty magazines or daring novels.
He’s cumming harder than he ever imaging. Wrapped around the arms of someone he thought he was done with.
But this is the last time.
That’s what he tells himself.
Like the last time.
And the time before that.
He can’t do this again.
He can’t hurt her.
But the sex is mind shattering good.
He knows that he shouldn’t be staying after it’s over.
But he lays there. Next to her.
No she’s not his girlfriend.
She is no one to him.
Just someone who things just didn’t work out with.
But they never were meant to.
It’s always just been sex.
A year and a half.
He knows that.
And so does she.
This time is the last time.
He tells himself and her.
Finally he’s dressed.
At the door.
He kisses her goodbye as she smokes down a camel cigarette and stares long and hard at him.
He tells her to take care. But not after a long drawn out goodbye. This is it. He finally said it.
Did he mean it.
He doesn’t know.
He’s behind the wheel again of his black shiny toy.
Strumming to the sound of the radio as it cuts through the night.
Used sweat still sticking to his skin.
He smells like her.
Sweet like summer.
Delicate like a secret garden he has yet to discover.
Splatters of rain start to caress his windshield.
This is it.
He can feel it in his bones.
Tonight, was the last time he would ever see her again.
Sure the urge would still be there.
Getting him hard just thinking about her.
But she’s not the girl he loves.
She never will be.
This is the last time.